maybeneverso

I haven't written in nearly a year. A lot has changed, I think. I still feel the slow grind of my school schedule and isolation, but things are getting better. As school comes to a close, I can feel myself cracking under this pressure, but I know if just tough it out for another month, I'll be okay. I can let my important classes dip, I only need to pass one class this quarter to still graduate. I'll be okay. It's getting really rough, but the end is in sight, and I'll be okay.

Late last school year (I'm a senior now) I don't know what happened. I just started doing things that would sabatoge any chance I had at being happy. I signed up for 3 AP classes, started studying out of school for a fourth AP class, a college course in school. Plus, I'm taking on marching band, which practices 3 times a week, not including the game we play at on Fridays. Then I have a guy that I got with, even though I knew I wouldn't be happy with him. I look at pictures and lovenotes that this girl I'm pretending to be friends with posts on tumblr and facebook of her and her boyfriend, my first love, I guess. Even though it's been over 2 y

I don't want to kill myself, but I'm starting to think about it again. I feel so inadequate and unneccessary. I love my best friend, but I can't do anything for her. Even being around me is harmful to her. My DeviantArt is pretty dead, but this is the only place I could think to post where I don't feel self-conscious about myself. I feel too ugly and needy for my boyfriend, and too depressed and crazy for my bestfriend. I mean, it sucks to realize that you're ugly as shit on the outside, and I got over it and moved on and even started liking the way I look, but I always thought I was a pretty good person on the inside. I thought I was caring